Knitting. Art. Music. Etc. Enjoy :)
I randomly got in a Tegan and Sara kick twenty minutes ago. Now I’m happily singing along to depressing songs. That’s what an INFP does when their mind wanders off into a distracted daisy-filled wilderness.
And here’s something less depressing that reminds me of high school!
I got approved for an apartment.
My license verification for the state I’m moving to is finally coming along.
I don’t want to be so obsessed with the idea of a new start that I disregard the impact of where I came from. The wonderful bonds that will continue to ground me and are what made me who I am. It’s strange just coming to terms with the fact that Florida will, hopefully, no longer be my home. That the comforts of having loved ones so accessible – hugs, shared frustrations, and tears – will now require a strong internet connection. I’m excited for the changes to come. But I can already perceive the loneliness that I will feel. I don’t really know how to combat that yet. But I know I will figure it out with Jehovah’s help. He’s gotten me to this point.
I feel like I’m always in the process of rebranding my blog. I don’t really care.
I’m always in the process of rebranding myself.
I processed so much this past year. Chronic pain became my new reality. I came out of a depressive hole, possibly for good. I feel whole now.
I processed my 2022 heartbreaks, romantic and platonic. Probably some of the worst in my life for the simple fact that I let myself become too attached. I feel like now, I know where to stop myself from feeling so deeply that feelings take over my rationality. I can be open to love without expecting too much. Because we’re all a little broken. We just need to seek out the broken people that fit us best.
I turned 29 last month. My 20s have been marked by proving myself. I tried to prove my worth to myself and others through my accomplishments, my financial success, my ability to kill myself with work and service to others. I tried to prove that chronic illness isn’t a barrier to my success, that I can do everything on my own. I can make my own money, live by myself, travel on my own, drive to any destination, all alone.
I can. But maybe, I don’t need to.
I learned that Jehovah sees us at our core. He knows exactly what we need. This new chapter that I will start in a few months, is not a solo journey. He knows that I need friends and support. He knows that I can support others too. Like I burnt all my high school diaries when I turned 21, I am burning my plans for the future. My master plan.
Are you
Lost?
Grasping to the fringes
To the outline
Of your life?
Did you let it take you over?
Consume your thoughts?
Are you happy?
Let go.
Ride the waves
of uncertainty.
Let Him take your hand
And lead the way.
Contentment is
Right on the cusp
Of throwing out the master plan.
In this new chapter, I surrender. I have no plans. I will follow the path Jehovah has set for me. With his help, I’ll roll with the punches.
Spent the morning with a dear friend and her husband, drinking tea, writing letters, and absorbing greenery.
My name is Shannan, and I have (a few) silent illnesses.
Some background: In 2014, I was diagnosed with a Grade I ganglioglioma tumor and a seizure condition that came with it. I had that tumor removed. I was in school to be an occupational therapy assistant. I had the tumor removed, had to take a year off school, and eventually was able to finish the program and return to “normal” life.
In 2018, I had a second tumor resection. I was then working as an occupational therapist assistant in an inpatient rehab setting. Again, everything in my life had to come to a complete stand still. Fortunately, this time, I had been working for a few years and had been able to save a bit. What was funny about this experience is a month after brain surgery, I went in for jury duty told the judge about my surgery. She just told me that I “looked fine”.
Then, in 2020, I found out I had stage three endometriosis and had to have a laparoscopy. Another life halt.
Currently, I am dealing with a work related injury to my back. It has been a mental hurtle dealing with my life taking yet another pause. But now, I just want to be able to get back to work and discover other new employment opportunities.
What do all these experiences have in common? These are all deemed “silent illnesses”. A silent illness is one that an observer could easily disregard. Mine come with occasional auras, peripheral neuropathy, aches and pains, and fatigue. I am very fortunate that mine are controlled with medication and overall, have greatly improved. However, coming to a place of peace is difficult.
Here are some tips from my personal experience that helped me move past the diagnosis stage to acceptance stage.
When you start looking up your new illness, you learn about symptoms that you have never heard of, or ones you are just now coming to understand. You might even find a community of people suffering from the same illness. But the feelings of worthlessness and disappointment can abound. It is so easy to slip into a depressive state. I’m not even saying you can avoid it. There’s a grieving process that comes with new or recurrent illness. I am not saying this will happen immediately, but build yourself a routine. Especially if this illness or disability is keeping you from working or doing normal activities, find the activities you can perform, and begin building a routine to keep you going. If you find that you have indeed developed symptoms of depression, there is no shame in seeking professional help.
It’s easy to hide away from everyone when you’ve either newly diagnosed or when you’re dealing with the difficulties that can come from a silent illness. But as much as it seems like hiding away is preferable, please, talk to your friends and family. Do not hide away. It’s not worth it. The feelings of helplessness and isolation that come from staying in your own head are are debilitating and it can become difficult to climb out of this habit. But it is so worth it to have a community to support you. And back to the staying busy, find community if you need to. Realize also, that not everyone can handle talking about your difficulties. Some people are just useful to take your mind off what’s happening. We have different people in our lives for different purposes and seasons and we serve a different purpose for others in their lives.
Since this time around, I am dealing with an injury that may keep me from my current line of work, my new “hobbies” have been learning new skills to possibly make a career switch. Learning new skills, whether for personal use or for work, can help build up your self confidence again when you don’t feel like yourself.
This might be the most important skill. When I had my laparoscopy, I made the mistake of allowing someone in my life who was trying to start a business to take away my free time, my rest time, to become wrapped up in their flurry of business planning. This was time that I should have used to focus on managing my diet and building healthy routines to help manage my endometriosis symptoms. Rest! I know I just said spend time with people, but certain illnesses do require that you need extra time to be alone and sleep or just not be overwhelmed. Take time to listen to your body and take care of its needs.
I throw this in here, not because it’s a practice that I regularly do, but for certain people, it can be useful. I used to write in a journal all the time, especially when I felt like I had no one to open up to. Now, I feel like my support system takes care of my needs pretty well. I usually talk things out with close friends or family. Afterwards, if there’s something I didn’t feel comfortable sharing, or I’m still mulling over, I use my journal as like the little private pal.
This point will come with research because everyone their illnesses are different. And of course, talk to your medical doctor to help guide you too. For me, with endometriosis, I can’t do heavy duty exercises anymore because it will set off a flare up and I won’t be able to function for a few days. But even if it’s stretching, light Pilates, or walking around your house for a few minutes at a time, take time to move your body.
I hope that this can be a resource to you. Take care 🖤
Citations:
Gold, Sunny Sea. “What Are Invisible Illnesses?” Health, Health, 6 July 2022, https://www.health.com/condition/autoimmune-disease/invisible-illness.
Kiesel, Laura. “Chronic Pain: The ‘Invisible’ Disability.” Harvard Health, 28 Apr. 2017, https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/chronic-pain-the-invisible-disability-2017042811360.
This will be a very short, non-specific blog because I’m still going through this process. But, if ever you hurt yourself on the job, advocate for yourself.
Keep searching for assistance.
If one party is not doing their job, find another one. Find their manager. Be a Karen (but for goodness sake, be kind).
The next post will be about what to do when you are in the middle of a disability, work related or otherwise, tips to keep your head up.
I personally know how difficult it is when everything in your life has to stop. I discuss some things that I’ve done to keep my head above water, focus on the end goal, and get back up on my feet at the end.
I’m 28 now. I started this blog after I graduated high school. I feel like I have changed quite a bit. Thankfully. I think I have finally discovered myself, what I will and will not stand for. And it is truly amazing. I want to talk more about life and dealing with chronic illness on this blog as well as hobbies and escapism. Because that’s what a blog is, right? An escape?
I am living with a brain tumor and endometriosis. I have learned so much about myself since being diagnosed and have accepted a lot. But I am always searching for the drive to push through these difficulties. I’m always searching to figure out who I am and where I am going. Having invisible illnesses such as these can put you in a dark space where you don’t see anything but how you’re body is trapping you. But I have come to realize there is so much more to do an accomplish.
Just last weak, I was feeling so fatigued and didn’t think I could keep working. I started exercising and working on my diet. Then Saturday, I hurt my back at work. Now I’m just resting and doing what I can. I’m rolling with the punches but I’m not giving up on my dreams. I just need to modify my expectations.
Keep on trucking.
I’m not really sure what I’m doing here. Am I a real writer? I don’t think so. But I do enjoy writing. Even though I post on this once every few months (years?) It seems like.
Welp, here’s something I wrote last night and finished this morning. Maybe I can do a better job of keeping this up than knitting.
Something Different
Broken, smashed
Life had brought me down.
I needed a pillow to land on.
Something sweeter than
What was intangible before.
Misunderstood nothingness
At its finest.
Something wonderful,
A stare at me from across the room.
Not a haphazard thought
When you’re feeling lonely.
Something different,
Something good,
Finally.
Also, in knitting news, I finished a sweater I’ve been working on for almost two years, I believe? Yay, Shannan!
We’re currently in California on vacation so I’ve gotten a lot of knitting time fortunately. I can’t waiting to get this finished up. Too bad it’s AlOST winter and it’s pretty much too late to wear it. Ugh.
I’ve been trying very hard to force myself to knit so that I can enjoy knitting again. I’m filling my head with project ideas to make it easier and I’m in love again. I’ve finished two hats and I’m almost done with another. I got my yarn pile from loveknitting.com. I’m so ready!
First FO of the year!
Second hat:
Current hat:
Seams to weave in 😐
And current ongoing, yearlong project:
Another shot since I’m in love with this blanket:
My goal this year is also to do a lot of Charity knitting. Hopefully I’ll keep going this year! Last year, I kind of fell off the wagon… Until next time!
Shannan
I casted on my first new project of the year!
It’s a hat for my cousin in Bethel. I’m trying to make him and his wife a nice knit gift set.
That’s all.
Pictures to come!
Or am I? I’m not particularly sure.
But I’m hoping that maintaining my blog will HOPEFULLY help me to accomplish my knitting goals for next year and there are MANY.
I am hoping to maintain some KAL’s…
As of right now they are:
Slay The Stash Slay the Stash
Commit To Knit Commit to Knit
Self Indulgent KAL Self Indulgent KAL
I’m hoping I can remain committed this year!! I will probably be double dipping these projects so I don’t drive myself crazy. And I only have so much time.
I did a pretty good job of outlining my goals and I’m making good progress on them already. This may be just another word press blog that sticks around…
Maybe 🙂
Shannan Claire 